so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
