she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
