i permit you to call me
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
