I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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