if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
