i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
