My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
