Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
operation have a gay friend backfired
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
