You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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