I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
