Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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