I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
