Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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