69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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