I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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