WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
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There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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