Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
