Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
