there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
