I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I party with great urgency now.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
