Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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