mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
