I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
