I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
