I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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