Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
