My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
