i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
