My Higher Power is John Stamos
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
