Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
how do flat chested girls get laid?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
