We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
