Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
