just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
where am i from again
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
