I feel like I'm in dance class right now
We're like a lot better than the average bears
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
