P.S. I can't hear my feet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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