Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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