just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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