Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Say something about gay babies.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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