Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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