Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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