I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
