Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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