I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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