Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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