She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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