How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
