my phone needs a breathalizer
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
