Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
