my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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