I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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