Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We named our party play list daddy issues
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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