walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
